Today I had chest x-rays taken and met with the surgeon who cut a hunk out of my lung containing melanoma three and a half weeks ago. First I met with his Physician’s Assistant who told me everything looked good except I had some excessive “stool.” I said, “What?”  She replied, “You know, poop.”  If any of you read my earlier blog about an annoying pressure in my upper abdomen which felt like a beer belly without benefit of beer, you will remember that the discomfort was bothering me more than pain which I could deal with. My surgeon arrived and told me from the surgery point of view everything was just perfect, great healing, great lung function, high five!  Yeah!  The problem causing my discomfort was too much poop in my upper intestine which I just learned extends higher than I thought up into your rib cage.  He assured me that the pressure under my breast bone had nothing to do with the surgery and suggested I try laxatives. It's bad enough to have all these cancers now I find out I'm full of shit.

Four weeks ago when the surgeon was briefing me on what to expect from my lung operation, he said, “This is very painful surgery.”  That’s about as heartening as hearing the pilot of your airplane say, “Oh shit!”  You expect the worst.  Well, the surgeon was right, to an extent.  Actually the surgery was painless, I didn’t feel a thing and I was pumping myself with so much morphine the first night I don’t remember much of that either.  It is when you leave the hospital armed only with a little bottle of pain pills you have to administer yourself that your duel with pain begins.  The first couple days I was popping two pills of oxycodone every four hours, sometimes waking up in the middle of the night to do so.  But then the pain reached what I considered a tolerable level so it was down to a personal battle between pain and me.  I don’t like to take medicines. So in defiance, I stopped the pills because the pain was no longer continuous.  It only came unexpectedly with really horrendous stabs in my back.  Because I decided not the take the oxycodone it reminded me of the old joke:  “Why are you banging your head against the wall,” the first guy asked.  “Because if feels so good when I stop,” the other guy responded.  Well, the sharp pains are over quickly, it feels good when it stops and I am still standing so I win.  Now the bigger problem is just an annoyance.  The surgeon said he was going to “freeze” the nerves in my chest area which supposedly make it less painful.  But what is has done is given me the annoying sensation that I have grown an upper beer belly that is pressing against my breast bone.  What bothers me is that I have a new beer belly without the benefit of drinking the beer.  Now that is really painful.

My friend the morphine pump

Women often say that if men wanted to experience real pain they should give birth to a child.  After my experience with lung surgery last Thursday I think I might have preferred taking a shot at childbirth.  However, with lung surgery pain you have an advantage, it’s called morphine.  I remember absolutely nothing of the surgery, very little of the recovery room and just became coherent enough in my overnight room to learn that the thing in my hand with the button and little green light would become my best friend.  When the little green light came on I pushed the button, opening the floodgates of morphine, drowning the pain and allowing a dreamy darkness to descend.  I became like Pavlov’s dog:  Feel pain, open eyes, see green light, push button, painless darkness.  Repeat. The clock was on the wall directly in front of me and every time I opened my eyes it was the first thing I saw.  I kept thinking what the hell is wrong with this clock?   It keeps jumping ahead ten minutes at a time!  I spent the entire night sleeping in ten minute intervals.  But at least they left me alone with my morphine toy.  By the next night I had been switched to oxycodone tablets which are not nearly so much fun as a morphine pump and the nurses kept waking me up throughout the night to take “vital signs,” give me pills and stick needles in my stomach.  When I finally got into some kind of deep sleep about 4:00 a.m., the door bangs open, the lights go on and the portable X-ray machine comes rolling in followed by the blood sample nurse. After another night of the same I was finally released.  Sunday night as I drifted off to sleep in my own bed imagining that all I had gone through was just a frightening nightmare, I began mumbling,  “There’s no place like home…there’s no place like home… there’s no place….”

When you acquire cancer, you get philosophical about things like considering diseases as metaphors.  I have friends who have various heart conditions whom I think of as living in a kind of “tornado alley” where disaster can strike with little or no warning.  On the other hand, cancer is like living in Florida where you can get wiped out by a hurricane.  But, you know it’s coming and you even know where it is coming from and sometimes how intense it will be, however, you don’t know how devastating it will be until it hits.  Now I have learned that my current cancer hurricane is located in my left lung and that it will make “lung fall” (couldn’t resist that) this Thursday morning when they will pry open my chest to take it out.  I have been told I will remain in the hospital from four to seven days depending how severe the cancercane is (couldn’t resist that one either).  So we’ll brace for the storm’s arrival, get through it, assess the damage and then figure out how to get on with the rebuilding.

Remember the old joke:  “They told me to cheer up, things could be worse. So I cheered up and things got worse.”  That seems to apply to my adventures with cancer.  It seems every time I feel terrific a doctor finds something else bad.  The cheek melanoma was discovered three years ago during a routine physical I passed with flying colors and I felt great.  That was surgery number one.  With that out of the way I was once again feeling terrific so they check the prostrate and bingo!—bad news again.  But before they go after that one they decide to take a full body scan.  Feeling great is evidently no indication of the evil lurking within.  They found the esophageal cancer. After recovering from the horrific experience of chemotherapy and radiation I finally started feeling good again. Really.  Hair came back, tai chi at the Y, playing petanque Saturday mornings, riding the bike, mowing the lawn.  Life is good and once again I feel great.  Then a routine scan to check that the throat cancer crap is still gone shows a spot on my left lung that turns out to be more melanoma!   So now we are about to undergo surgery number two.  But before that I had to see yet another doctor, a cardiologist, who must attest that my heart is working well enough that I will not have a heart attack on the operating table.  The good news is that I feel great and I passed the cardiac nuclear stress test and have less than a five percent chance of expiring on the table so the cardiologist says I can have the lung surgery.  The bad new is the cardiologist says I can have the lung surgery.  Maybe if I felt really lousy these things wouldn’t happen.

Although opponents of the Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare) insist it is absolutely horrible, there are some elements that I believe are actually quite good and very reasonable concepts.  As one who has had an intimate relationship with our health care system, I would love to see the industry adopt electronic health record keeping.  Over the past three years, I have seen 11 doctors at four clinics and had three surgical procedures at two different hospitals.   I am now about to undergo some major surgery (at one of the same hospitals) but before that, I must see yet another doctor, a cardiologist, to reassure the officiating surgeon that I will not croak of a heart attack on the operating table.  For my appointment next Thursday, I have been informed I must stop by the doctor’s office to pick up paperwork I can fill out in advance or arrive a half hour early to do so.  That paperwork, I can assure you, will be very much the same as the paperwork I have already filled out about seven  times.  It’s hard to pin down the exact number since with some clinics I have had to go through all the information again if it was more than 30 days old.  There is no standardization among the forms.  They all ask basically the same information but they vary from office to office and some look as if they were written ten years ago and photocopied several thousand times.  In this day and age where Amazon can tell me everything I have ordered from them in the last ten years and Google has records containing every web site I have ever visited, it does not seem beyond today’s technical capabilities to consolidate health records between hospitals and clinics that are within 300 yards to 30 miles away from each other and several are members of the same health care system. 

Cancer is the Al-Qaeda of diseases. It is sinister, unscrupulous, unpredictable and deadly.  And it is after me again.  A routine PET scan to see if the esophageal cancer was still gone, showed a spot on my left lung which a biopsy determined was melanoma!  Yes, I know, melanoma is supposed to be a skin cancer but as my oncologist explained it can travel through the blood stream and “hide” somewhere inside the body.   Then BAM like a roadside bomb it explodes from its hiding place.  So here we go again.  The good news is I don’t have to go through chemotherapy one more time.  The bad news is we’re going to undergo major surgery.  Let’s see.  I had melanoma surgically removed from my cheek three years ago.  I was diagnosed with prostate cancer (right now the least of my worries).  I had esophageal cancer requiring radiation and massive doses of chemotherapy and now melanoma is in my lung.  Do you think in my case Medicare can get a volume discount?

Well it didn’t take long for the Republicans in our Kindercongress to politicize the tragic bombing in Boston.  Republican Representatives Michael McCaul of Texas and Peter King of New York fired off a letter to the nation’s intelligence agencies stating the F.B.I. handling of the case was an “intelligence failure.”  Never to be outdone, South Carolina Republican Senator Lindsey Graham declared, “The fact that we could not track him has to be fixed. It’s people like this that you don’t want to let out of your sight, and this was a mistake. I don’t know if our laws are insufficient or the F.B.I. failed, but we’re at war with radical Islamists, and we need to up our game.”  Let’s throw in a crack at the “radical Islamists” to fire up more hatred against us while we are at it.  You can just feel the Republicans gearing up for a Congressional hearing so they can have another Benghazi moment.  Just for good measure, Republican Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa implied that the bombing raised questions about our immigration system that should be examined in the context of the bill under consideration (translation “slow it down”).  Nothing like a good tragedy to bring out the worst in our Republican lawmakers.

If any of you still believe we live in a democracy, I have bad news for you. All of us were taught since grade school that in a democracy our elected government is supposed to uphold the will of the people.  In simple terms we learned, majority rules.  This no longer applies to the United States.  Although every poll shows that 90 per cent of the American people want extensive background checks on all firearm sales and the vast majority want bans on assault rifles and high-capacity magazines, a group of Senators representing the Senate minority party managed to defeat legislation that would have exactly accomplished the will of the people. Why?  Because those Senators are far more concerned with getting re-elected than governing our country and they are scared to death of the National Rifle Association. In short, they are a bunch of feckless cowards.  How can the N.R.A. command such power?  The association claims 4,500,000 members but the Washington Post Fact Check puts it more like 3,100,000.  The U.S. population is 316,000,000.  That means, my fellow Americans, that a mere 0.98 percent* of our citizens have managed to imposed their will on all the rest of us.  If we are to save our democracy, in every election we must fight to defeat every candidate the N.R.A. supports. 

* (Note: that is point nine eight, or less than one percent.) 

The Mouse that Roared was a 1959 Peter Sellers film that pitted the smallest country in Europe, the duchy of Fenwick, against the United States of America and ultimately the world.  The little country, in bad economic straits, decided that if it declared war on the United States, invaded it and lost, the U.S. would pour in vast amounts of money to rebuild it (Something America tends to do.)  By strange twists, the Fenwick invaders, about 12 men armed with bows and arrows, find New York deserted because of an atomic attack drill and they happen to take possession of the Q Bomb which is the most powerful bomb in the world.  Naturally the United States of America and all the other world powers fall all over themselves to curry favor with Fenwick.  In the end, it turns out the bomb is a dud but the world powers don’t know this and Fenwick essentially rules the world.  That’s really a funny, far-fetched plot except it is happening today.  North Korea’s dipshit leader Kim Jong-un is threatening to attack South Korea and declare war on the United States and send nuclear missiles to destroy LA and Washington, D.C. which is preposterous.  The United States which purports to be the most powerful nation in the universe poops it pants and decides to spend tens of millions more dollars on a missile defense system (which only works 50 percent of the time) on the west coast, postpone missile tests and generally let the little North Korean jerk make us look like a scared bunch of old, white men cold warriors.  Of course, that’s just what Kim Jong-un wants and he is probably laughing his ass off at us.  Now let’s play the kids game, if I were president this is what I would do.  I would write this letter to Kim Jong-un.  “Dear Kim, If you do something dumb like attack South Korea or launch a missile (nuclear on not) at us or our Pacific bases, we will wipe your crappy little country off the face of the earth.  Since your entire country is about the size of Mississippi we don’t even need nuclear weapons to reduce you to rubble which we will.  By copy of this letter we are informing your pal China that we will not spend one U.S. penny to rebuild the shit pile we will make of you.  China please note regarding North Korea, if we break it, you own it.  Sincerely the U.S President.”  Am I the only American who is pissed off at the way we are groveling to that North Korean fat boy with the goofy haircut?

President Obama’s comment that Los Angeles Attorney General Kamala Harris is good looking caused an enormous outcry.  Actually, she is good looking, but a huge group of people immediately went ballistic about how Obama was being ‘Sexist.”  This is a perfect example of how stupid the American public has become.  I just Googled “support for breast cancer,” and “support for prostate cancer.”   Breast cancer got 112,000,000 sites.  Prostate cancer got 33,200,000 sites.  I guess that proves that women’s breasts are more appealing than old men’s’ ass holes.  Is that being sexist?

Supposedly, the Supreme Court will consider the constitutionality of gay marriage this week. What the court will really consider is whether religious doctrine that promotes bigotry and hatred will be the basis for establishing American laws.  If you do not think the opposition to gay marriage is religiously based, consider this:  Gay marriage will cause no harm to anyone.  No one will die. The economy will not be affected in any way. It will not get us into a war. Gay marriage will have no effect on heterosexual marriage which in itself is not such a righteous institution since it ends in divorce more than 50 per cent of the time. Children will not be corrupted.  The opposition is based purely on the so-called “Christian” belief that gay marriage is immoral and contrary to the will of God. Nobody, not the Catholic Church, the Pope, Evangelical preachers nor the National Organization for Marriage knows what God wants or thinks. This is another abominable example of bigots using God to justify their hatred and prejudice against gays.  These people are the ones screaming about government taking liberties away from them but they have no qualms about taking liberties from others in the name of God.  The gay marriage issues is a perfect example of why religion should be kept out of our government.

This week marks the day in American history that will live in ignominy.   March 19, 2003, is the day George W. Bush, goaded by his neocon puppeteers Cheney, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz, invaded Iraq without provocation. It was the most stupid episode ever in American foreign policy.  
The entire world knows that the Bush Republican Administration lied about the non-existent Weapons of Mass Destruction just to satisfy its war mongering factions. The latest figures I have found report 4,488 American killed, over 32,000 wounded, 320,000 suffering brain injuries and one estimate that total death military and civilian are nearly 1.5 million.  It has cost us about $1.7 trillion and the residual effect of what it could cost over the next 40 years is $6 trillion.  That is enough to cover Medicare, Medicaid and Education for the next two decades.  All that American blood and money spent for nothing in return.  Let’s remember and honor all the wonderful young Americans who did what their country asked of them.  And let’s hold a moment of scorn for the rotten lying bastards who sent them there.

My last blog post generated this comment: “As I understand it, the government is now telling Catholics how to practice their faith regarding birth control.”  Here is my reply:

 There is no law that tells Catholics or anyone else how to practice their faith.  Contraceptives are legal in the United States but the law does not require you to use them.  Ironically, polls show that over 90 per cent of Catholic women do use them. However, if Congress passed a law prohibiting contraceptives, it would be doing so based on Catholic principles, thereby imposing a religious doctrine on the entire American public. Believe whatever you want but don’t force legislation that imposes your beliefs on me.  You may be referring to the health insurance issue on contraceptive coverage which, I believe, did ultimately exempt Catholic organizations.  The absurdity of all this is that government is getting involved in the legality of contraceptives at all.  It is a woman’s health and personal choice issue and the Catholic Church has no business trying to make its doctrine become American law.

It should not be a big surprise to the world’s 1.3 billion Catholics that some of us do not really care who the Pope is, where he comes from, what he thinks or what color his shoes are.  What does matter to us is that old men in colorful, fancy lace dresses with bright red hats and capes, carrying on quaint, medieval traditions are pushing their theological beliefs on the United States government.  The Catholic Church’s position on gay marriage (really cute considering many priests are homosexuals and pedophiles), abortion and contraception should stay in the cathedral and not the Congress.  The Constitution does not guarantee Catholics anything more than the right to exercise their religion.  The same people who scream about government meddling in their lives seem to have no problem when that intervention becomes laws that conform to Catholic religious doctrine.  By forcing Catholic doctrine into our laws through certain politicians, our political system is essentially condoning moral judgment against some of our citizens.  I don’t think Jesus nor St. Francis would agree with that.

Much to the chagrin of my Republican friends (or perhaps I should say “former” friends since the more right wing among them consider disagreeing with their views renders you no longer worthy of friendship) I have decided to get back into blogging.  Rather than dwell only on politics, I have decided to comment on the enormous stupidity going on in this meaningless world of ours.  I was going to resume with some uncomplimentary comments on the Republican Party but I don’t have to since the party is doing a good job of bad-mouthing itself. I could not agree more with Bobby Jindal that the Republicans are a “stupid” party or that Rand Paul is right by stating The Republican Party has grown "stale and moss-covered" and needs a fresh direction (good luck on that with the Teapartistas). Have you noticed how Republican pundits are flagellating themselves and the party for not “reaching out” to the minorities they have shit on for decades? Never mind Republican Senator Rob Portman’s new found support for gay marriage after his son came out.  So combine this with what’s going on in the Catholic Church and I doubt if I will ever run out of absurdities to comment on.  Stay tuned.

“I would have liked to see a little more on outreach and working together.  There was not, as I’ve seen in other inaugural speeches, ‘I want to work with my colleagues.’ ” That comment regarding President Obama’s inauguration speech came from none other than Presidential Candidate loser Republican Senator John McCain one of our best arguments for Congressional term limits.  Senator John probably forgot that after Obama’s last inaugural address which gushed with how much he wanted bipartisan harmony Senator Minority Leader Mitch McConnell made defeating President Obama his main political objective.  The Republican Party then proceeded to swear they absolutely, categorically would not cooperate with Obama on anything and promptly became, and rightly so, the “party of no.”   As many of you have already surmised, I have no respect whatsoever for the Republican Party who drops their pants to the NRA and non-elected-to-anything dipshits like Grover Norquist and who haven’t had a new idea in 30 years.  Yes, I would like to be optimistic and hope the Republicans will finally participate in governing our country, but I doubt it.

The Republican Party is considering sending a thank you letter to Sabine Moreau, the Belgian woman who drove 900 miles off her route and ended up in Croatia instead of the Brussels airport 90 miles from her home.  Republicans are wildly acclaiming Sabine for giving them an excuse for turning so far to the right that a lot of Americans think the party has gone insane. Now the Republicans can claim it was all the GPS’s fault. Some Americans really believed the Republicans had set their political GPS on a route towards actually participating in the governing of our country. But instead, certain factions of the party kept resetting their GPS to indicate only right turns.  The public should have known there was a problem when as soon as President Obama took office, Senator Mitch McConnell made defeating him the main political objective of the Republican party. That didn’t work and it looks like with so many right turns the Republican Party is now running around in circles.

Guns are the most democratic things on earth.  A gun will kill you regardless of whether you are Republican or Democrat, child or adult, black, white, Hispanic or Asian, Jewish, Christian or Muslim.  I don’t see why the National Rifle Association doesn’t run full-page ads emphasizing “Guns are Equal Opportunity Killers.”  Instead, the NRA wants to see more guns in circulation on the ludicrous argument that more guns will mean less killings.  They want to arm school teachers, believe everybody should pack a heater and when Arizona bought back weapons and destroyed them, the NRA complained that those guns should be given to gun dealers and put back in circulation.  Instead of stupid arguments that defy common sense, the NRA should stick to the irrefutable fact that guns were made to kill and do not discriminate against good or bad guys.  Of course, the NRA is willing to consider a national data base of the mentally ill, but not a national data base of gun owners. Perhaps they are afraid too many names will appear on both lists.

And the Hypocrite of the New Year Award goes to… Idaho Republican Sen. Michael Crapo (applause).  Crapo, a self-professed lifelong member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, got busted on December 22 for drunk driving.  We all know from the recent Presidential Campaign that drinking is not permitted by the Mormon Church.  I suppose Republican Senators get a waiver from God.  According to AP reports he was quaffing vodka and tonic that night, couldn’t sleep and decided to go out for a drive (a wonderful example of decision making.)  After a half-hour, El Crapo decided he was too crocked to drive and headed home when he got nabbed.  At the station house his blood alcohol level registered 0.14 (legal limit 0.08).  With a BAH that high after a half-hour, he must have been really, really smashed when he left home.  He now joins General Petreus and Rep. Weiner in the Pantheon of Dumb Ass Behavior.