Raser’s Edge: Archaeologists find Jesus abused children

A startling new archaeological find reveals Jesus abused little boys and girls. On a new site outside Jerusalem archaeologists from the University of Cambridge found ancient scrolls specifically stating Jesus engaged in inappropriate activities with children.

The finding is based on a scroll referring to “Suffer the little children to come unto me” (Matthew 19:14 and Luke 18:16). The word for “suffer” in these scrolls carries a far different meaning than the one commonly accepted in current versions of the Bible. The new translation of that passage is “Bring those children to me so I can do anything I want with them.”

Alabama Evangelical Christians are perplexed by the new finding but a spokesperson for the Gallant First Baptist Church said “if it was good enough for Jesus then it is good enough for Roy Moore. “

The Roman Catholic Church responded with a statement pointing out that their priests have been emulating Jesus for many years.

(NOTE: This is intentionally false news intended to piss off Republican ultra conservatives and self-righteous Evangelicals but it would not surprise me if some dumbbells actually believe it.)